Pictures

I hate when I see pictures of myself.

I feel like I can pretend that I'm somehow pretty/attractive/tolerable/not-nauseating until I see pictures of myself.

And then...reality sets in.

And I'm not pretty. I'm not attractive. I'm not tolerable. And nauseating? Well...I'm not sure if it's that bad, but well, it's not good.

I think I could have much better self-esteem if there were no cameras/mirrors.

Polyamorous/Open Relationships

My gut reaction is fear, anger, sadness, disgust.

But, I didn't always feel that way.

In fact, I was part of an "open" polyamorous relationship, before. We were together for over a year. There were three of us: two cisgendered bisexual women and a cisgendered straight man.

He occasionally had sex with other women, and we were allowed to also have sex with other women, too, if he approved.

Yeah. Allowed. Approved.

See, for him, polyamory, open relationships, bdsm, kink...it was all a cover for abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual. And my time as part of that relationship was heart wrenching, to say the least. I still carry the scars.

I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to feel a compulsion to warn others away from a lifestyle that they feel will suit them best. But, I can't help but feel scared of what they might endure.

Just please be careful. Please learn about how healthy open or polyamorous relationships usually work. Please remember that you are still supposed to consent and that you are not supposed to live in fear.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Just a short plug. I promise.

I know that most months have lots of things going on in them - and April, in fact, has Child Abuse Prevention Month and Victims of Crime Week, as well as I'm sure, a few hundred other themes - but, if you get a chance, sometime during the month, to just speak out about sexual assault - of children or adults - it would be awesome.

Some small things you could do:

- Confront someone who says something victim-blaming ("she shouldn't have been wearing that," "well, she was drunk," "he could've stopped it if he fought back")

- Let people know that it is sexual assault awareness month

- Educate people on some of the stats: 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18

- Participate in your local events: Take Back the Night, Denim Day, Vagina Monologues, etc.

- Donate time or money to your local crisis center

- Support friends or family who have been assaulted by not judging them, providing them with options, and getting more information/education/support for yourself

I don't want to be a negative nelly. Or a debby downer. Or a pessimist. Or anything else that you can think of to describe generally having a crappy attitude about things.

But, recently, it's been tough at work. To see children disclose sexual abuse and then have nothing happen to their perpetrators. I've been thinking about it, recently, that at one point in my life I'm sure I must've thought that most people who abuse children get caught and put in jail - especially if it was sexual abuse. And, then, I certainly must've thought that especially if the children told someone that the abuse would end and the abuser would be punished. But, in the real world, the norm is for nothing to happen. And every step in the process makes it more likely that something will happen where there will never be a day spent in jail.

It's hard to meet new families, and to have this knowledge in my mind. And, all I'm supposed to do is provide advocacy, information, education, referrals, and, most importantly, support. So, it's not like it's my failures that mean that this family will most likely never experience 'justice,' but I still feel somehow responsible because I know. I know what happened. I know who the perpetrators are, usually, where they live, maybe even where they work. But, the case falls through - for whatever reason - and these perps are allowed to continue assaulting children.

I know I've blogged about this before, but, it is still a struggle for me. So, there you go.

Tumblr + Porn + Jiz Lee

I've been spending a lot of time over at tumblr. ( deviantfemme.tumblr.com )

It's addictive, especially considering the whole queer/femme porn aspect that I've been focusing on. It reminds me, a little bit, back when I discovered literotica and I fell in love with sexual deviancy for the first time.

I went through a bit more of a withdrawn, less sexual phase, especially after I began working in the violence against women field. And, it was even worse when I first started working with child victims of sexual assault. I think I sometimes was bringing work home (well, I still do), and unable to feel sexual when stressed and/or thinking about the horror stories I heard that day. But, somehow, going back to porn, and especially, this time, discovering feminist and queer porn, has really helped with my sex drive.

(Although, truthfully, it might of started recovering ever since shinobi decided to get a "packer" and we began playing with gender roles and such more. There is something that really turns me on about her walking around with a penis in her pants. Consequently - and selfishly - I really feel 100% supportive of her exploring alternative gender identities.)

And...I have a new crush. Their name is Jiz Lee. Jiz is a genderqueer porn star. And I can't fucking get enough of them. Shinobi is a little bit sick of my gushing and my references. (And, actually, I had a dream the other night that I met Jiz - and it wasn't like I wanted to have sex with them, I just really, really wanted them to like me and we could hang out and be friends. Silly, hunh?) Without Shinobi even being told about my dream, today she asked if Jiz is the third person in our relationship.

...But, I can't help it! Jiz is oh.my.god.hot.

It's a little obsessive, but I just never even knew such a wonderful, freaking hot, real person did porn. Real orgasms (as far as I can tell - or really, really good fake ones). Real people (including not just gender variant individuals but also all types of bodies including fat positive, tattooed, pierced, etc.). And Jiz just has this "fuck yeah, bitches" face - like they love everything that is going on, that they are super into what is happening, and that they just absolutely could not be more pleased that, for example, some girl is sucking their strap-on cock. It makes me swoon.

And, it helps to lessen my porn guilt. (You know, the whole, many porn stars are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and that they are now in a fairly abusive/exploitative industry.)

Anyhow, I put a link to Jiz's blog over on the side, if you want to take a look and/or support. They do queer porn, however, so expect it to be pornographic and expect it to be hot and expect it to be not "men" and "women" in any traditional sense.

Religious Right vs. Secular Right

Bathrooms For Everyone!

So, shinobi and I went to Provincetown for a little get-away / birthday celebration. It was nice, if cold.

On our way out of town, though, we stopped at the Cape Cod National Seashore center place thing (I said, so eloquently). And, it was kind of cool, with maps and such, and pretty much what you might expect from a little educational stop, nothing particularly fascinating.

But, I was totally fascinated by the bathrooms. Enough so, that shinobi and I proceeded to have a good fifteen or twenty minute conversation on the subject.

Now, they weren't fancy or futuristic, but what they had was one of these signs:

They were single rooms. They had a self-flushing toilet and a sensor-enabled sink. They had those hand blow driers. So, kind of modern, yes.

But, they also had a urinal. And a diaper changing station. And plenty of room to operate a wheelchair inside of it. With everything at an accessible height and bars to lift yourself up or down, as needed.

So, you put all of this together, and...

This bathroom did not require a declaration!

You didn't have to identify as male or female, with children or without, abled or disabled. You just went into the bathroom, did your stuff, and left. Without judgements, without anything. It was a simple experience - like it should be.

So, there's your bathroom update on Cape Cod. Aren't you glad to know?

I think I'm getting the hang of these dishes...

Tumblr

So, because I always do more things than I have time for, I've also started a tumblr account.

It's a cross-section of sexual deviancy and femme culture. You can follow me, if you'd like, at deviantfemme.tumblr.com.

It is most certainly NSFW.

A Quarter Century of Me

So, I'm 25. Today.

Which makes it my birthday.

What do I want?

Well...some of this will be nice.

But, what do I really want?

What am I striving for this year? What are my life's plans, goals, dreams?

...

...

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe next year, I should wish for some decisiveness.

Every Time I Almost Die

Queer Scouts

Finally, A Fetish Ice Cream.

If you were hoping for some sort of "Twilight" themed blood vampire flavor,

you are still, unfortunately, going to have to wait.

But, if you have a lactation fetish, there is good news! Yes, just what you've been hoping for, ice cream made from human breast milk.

Apparently, they're keeping the flavoring simple (maybe so you can really enjoy that straight-from-the-bosom taste?) using only vanilla and lemon zest along with Victoria Hiley's milk.*

*Side Note: Victoria was the first donor, but other women are now coming

forward to offer their breast milk. According to the Daily Mail, women who

donate are being compensated 15 British Pounds for every 10 ounces of milk.

(Always good to see new career choices in a sagging economy!)

Looking forward to trying this delicious treat for yourself? Well, as of right now, you'll have to wait until they make the next batch. Despite selling for a relatively expensive 14 British Pounds - or $22.50 USD - per serving, the store has sold out of their newest flavor.

Judge Blames Victim For Sexual Assault: Convicted Perpetrator Receives No Jail Time

As reported today by the Winnipeg Free Press, a convicted rapist will not being going to jail because, according to the judge's sentencing, because the perpetrator was simply "insensitive to the fact that [she] was not a willing participant," and didn't even bother to threaten her with a weapon.

Judge Dewar went on to further blame the victim by saying that she sent signals that "sex was in the air." And that there were "inviting circumstances" that the victim created by being at a bar wearing high heels and a tube top.

Dewar went on to further dismiss and minimize the perpetrator's behavior by saying that it was "a case of misunderstood signals and inconsiderate behaviors."

So, let's see what we've learned from this judge:

1) It's not a "real" rape if there isn't a weapon or threats of death used.

2) Women invite people to sexually assault them, or, they do if they go to the wrong place or wear the wrong things. For example, if they leave the home, or stop wearing a burka.

3) Sometimes sexual assault is just "inconsiderate," like not holding the door for someone. Not all sexual assault is bad or morally reprehensible.

And, if you are not disgusted at this from a victim-centered standpoint, think of what this means for men as a whole. Like one of the commentators wrote, this judge has assumed that "all men are just oblivious, bumbling, opportunistic predators" who lack "common sense, decency, and free will." And therefore, if you "put anything mildly attractive in front of their face, and they can't help but start raping."

Obama Administration Decides To Be Awesome.

How?

(You may be asking yourself.)

By finally acknowledging that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional and by refusing to continue to defend challenges against the law in courts.

As quoted in an article on NPR, the new Attorney General Eric Holder released a press statement today stating that President Obama's position is that DOMA is "unnecessary and unfair."

It took two years for this to happen, and it's still a mystery as to why the administration felt the need to defend the law in the first place, but at least the federal government is no longer protecting DOMA.

Hooray for movement toward equality!

How much is your life worth?

Remember that post where I mentioned that women's lives are worth 2/3rds of mens?

Well, according to the pay outs to families of 9/11 victims, it is not just based on your gender: you also are more valuable according to the paycheck you were already earning and your occupation.

So, we don't have classes in America, right?

I'm Judging You + Your Pot

Am I the only one left who is still judgmental about this drug?

Okay, okay.

I know. Perfectly nice people smoke pot.

And, it doesn't hurt anyone.

(Usually.)

And, it's not really that different from alcohol.

Certainly, not much more harmful, anyhow.

So, stop being judgmental.

I don't judge you about your cake, fatty.

Alright. Alright.

Give me a chance to explain.

...

You're not supposed to smoke pot!

Remember: This is your brain on drugs!

And, stoners...they're underachievers!

And they smell like smoke.

It was the bad kids in high school who smoked.

And, it seems like a lame coping skill.

And, it's annoying.

Annoying?

Yeah. It seems like they don't want to do anything that isn't "420 friendly."

Okay. I don't have great reasons.

They're probably the same ones that people's parents give.

But, I'm still gonna judge you.

Maybe it isn't right.

But I'm judging you and your pot.

Everyone Who Ever Lived

The poster represents roughly what the title says: every person who lived and died on the planet, from 3200 B.C.E. to 2009 C.E. The total paper area represents the 78 billion people who lived over the past 5000 years. The gaping hole in the center represents every person who died in a major war, genocide, or massacre: approximately 969 million people, or 1.25% of the total number of people who have ever lived on the planet.

Text is printed in transparent ink on plastic (shown as white on black, right). The circles at the top represent the number of conflicts per millennium with more than 1000 deaths, and the circle of text lists them by name. The bottom circle represents the expected number of conflicts in the next millennium if the escalating pattern continues.

Peter Crnokrak, Everyone Who Ever Lived

Well, we might be over-medicating our population...

But considering that my sinuses are punching me in the face right now, today, I'm glad for this.

via Natalie Dee.

Gender Pay Gap

While we learned recently that lesbian women earn more than heterosexual women, it's still true that women earn less than men. For example, the Washington Post reported that women in management earn 81 cents to every dollar that men in the same positions earn.

To expand on exploring this, the blog Sociological Images, posted the following chart:

What strikes me as interesting about this chart is that some of the traditionally male-dominated fields, like construction, agriculture, mining, are some of the closest to equal in terms of pay, with construction at over 90 cents to every male dollar.

While fields that tend to have more women, like education and health services, retail, and administration, fair pretty poorly, between 75 and 80 cents for women to one dollar for men.

I'm not sure as to the cause, but I could hypothesize that fields that have attracted women for a number of years, now, feel no need to pay them equal wages - they already have women who will gladly accept their lesser earnings. In contrast, in order to attract female employees, some male-dominated fields may have increased earnings.

The Almost-Kiss

Everyone needs some gratuitous lesbian photography on a Friday night. Especially when it features that delicious moment of the almost-kiss and the accompanying anticipation and excitement.

You're welcome.

**View more of this photographer's work on his website.**

Community Accountability Wheel

The Quick and Dirty Vocabulary Guide to Gender and Sexual Expressions

Asexual - A person who is not interested in or does not desire sexual activity, either within or outside of a relationship.

Note: Asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the willful decision to not act on sexual feelings.

Assigned Sex - Sex recorded at birth by a doctor, on the basis of socially defined external genitalia.

Bisexual - A description for people who are emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to males and females.

Cisgender - A description of people whose gender identity is the same as their assigned sex at birth.

Closeted - Hiding one's sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Coming Out

(Personal) - Becoming aware of one's own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

(Social) - Revealing one's own sexual orientation and/or gender identity to others.

Cross-dresser - Someone who periodically dresses and/or expresses themselves as opposite to their assigned sex, but do

not desire to change their birth sex. They dress-up for a variety reasons, including self-expression, personal enjoyment, and/or sexual gratification. Many cross-dressers are heterosexual.

Drag King/Queen - People who dress as members of the "other" sex periodically, for the purpose of entertainment, making a political statement, and/or expressing their own masculine or feminine side.

Dyke - A sometimes derogatory term that usually refers to a lesbian woman. Some members of the LGBTQ community have reclaimed the term, but others still consider it offensive.

Fag - A sometimes derogatory term that usually refers to a gay man. Some members of the LGBTQ community have reclaimed the term, but others still consider it offensive.

FTM / F2M (female-to-male) - A trans individual who was assigned the female sex at birth who identify as male some or all of the time.

Gay - A term that is often used to describe a male-identified person who is emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to some other male-identified people. Sometimes, gay is used as a catch-all phrase for people who identify as homosexual.

Gender - A collection of traits thought by a culture to be associated with maleness/masculinity or femaleness/femininity.

Gender Expression - The way that individuals present their appearance and/or mannerisms to express their gender.

Gender Identity - How one experiences and conceptualizes one's own gender: regardless of biological sex.

Genderqueer - A description for people who do not identify as either male or female, but rather something outside the traditional binary gender system.

Heterosexual - Someone who is emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to people of the "opposite" gender/sex.

Homosexual - Someone who is emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to people of the "same" gender/sex.

Intersex - A generalized term for people who are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that does not fit the traditional definitions of female or male.

Lesbian - A female-identified person who is emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to some other female-identified people.

MSM (men who have sex with men) - Male-identified individuals who have sex with other male-identified individuals.

MTF / M2F (male-to-female) - A trans person who was assigned the male sex at birth and who identify as female some or all of the time.

Pansexual - A person who is emotionally, erotically, and/or physically attracted to some individuals of any gender identity.

Queer - Having a sexual orientation, sex, gender identity, or gender expression different from those deemed "normal" by mainstream society. The term has been reclaimed by some, but others in the LGBTQ community find it derogatory.

Sex - Categorization as male, female, or intersex by the shape of genitalia or other biological features.

Sexual Orientation - Describes a person's pattern of romantic, erotic, or physical attraction to individuals of a particular gender or genders.

SGL (same gender lover) - A term sometimes used instead of homosexual.

Straight - A term for someone who identifies as heterosexual and cisgender.

Trans - A term that describes a gender identity and/or gender expression that is outside of the gender binary social norms.

Transgender - Describes individuals who cross over gender identities without necessarily changing their bodies.

Transsexual - Describes people whose gender identity does not match the culturally assigned gender identity for their anatomical sex and who generally desire a physical transition that includes hormones and/or surgery.

WSW (women who have sex with women) - female-identified individuals who have sex with female-identified individuals.

This list was adapted from a publication of the Washington Coalition Sexual Assault Programs. The original document can be found in .pdf format here.

51% of Republicans Are Delusional.

Okay, that's not exactly true.

But, according to Public Policy Polling that was released today, 51% of registered Republicans who vote in the primaries believe that Obama was not born in the US. If this is true (the sample size for the survey was only 400), then it's pretty scary.

So, who are these people who still can't accept that sometimes non-white people are born inside the United States? According to a 2009 survey, the majority of them are Republican (okay, no surprise there) and from the South.

So, is it more accurate for me to say that Republican Southerners are delusional? Well, probably not, but I sure am tempted.

Sometimes, it seems like we must be living in two different realities - two completely divergent universes. In one, Obama is an illegal immigrant, and in the other, he's our 44th president. It is a bizarre world we live in. Truly.

Will you be convicted for rape?

So, let's say you decide to sexually assault someone.

Your pick: any gender, age, race, religion, orientation, or ability.

Now, depending upon some of the other factors, it might be more or less likely that you will be reported, successfully prosecuted, and sentenced to serve time in jail or prison.

In general, you will be less likely to serve time in jail for sexually assaulting a young child who is pre-verbal, someone with a mental illness or developmental abilities, or an elderly adult who is reliant upon you. Or, you could always choose to sexually assault someone who is somehow ostracized or part of a minority group who rarely receives justice.

But, even if you don't want to sexually assault someone from a more vulnerable population, don't worry: you still probably won't be held accountable for your crime! According to RAINN.org, 94% of rapists never spend a day in jail.

So, congratulations. Most likely, you will be able to brutalize your victim without repercussions!**

**Well...without repercussions to you. Your victim will be 3 times more likely to suffer from depression, 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide, 6 times more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, and 23 times more likely to abuse drugs.

Republican Proposed Budget Cuts

Among the cuts: funding for victims of crime and funding for NPR and PBS.

But, those fiscally conservative Republicans who are going to take on big government: how much are they actually planning on cutting?

Yup, 1/4th of 1 percent.

Thanks, Tea Partiers, for solving that fiscal crisis for us!

Vegan Vulva Cake

Yes, I'm a feminist.

Yes, I'm a lesbian.

Yes, I'm liberal minded about sex.

Yes, I'm a vegetarian.

Yes, I like baked goods.

Yes, I appreciate the skill of cake decorating.

And, finally, yes, I appreciate jokes.

Despite all of that...

Even I don't want a $250 "Happy Birthday" Vegan Vulva Cake.*

*But if you do, here's the link. Enjoy!

Valentines Day Charts

I have a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend who I am crazy in love with, but I still can't stop myself from posting bitter Valentines Day related items. I think I just love the seasonal spirit of misery and loathing. :)

Happy Token Gesture Day!

From Natalie Dee.

Update on Me

I'm stressed about work. This is not some sort of unique story, and I certainly don't bring any unique perspective to it. It's mostly a matter of too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Same old work story. But, for me, to make matters worse, my "to do"s involve real people's lives and crises - and so my guilt eats away at me every day for somehow not making each minute last an hour.

I also got an update on my abusive exes: apparently, they are planning on getting married. Somehow, it still makes me sick to my stomach to hear about them. And, I keep hoping that they will break up - and not for the reasons that they should (since I'm certain my ex-girlfriend is still being physically and sexually assaulted), but just because I want to be proven right that they wouldn't last. It's selfish thinking, and childish, but everything about that relationship brought out the worst in me.

So, between those two things, I'm feeling frustrated and upset. But, I'm hoping that I can put things into perspective, soon. I can recognize that I have a wonderful, loving fiancee, so it shouldn't matter if two other people are miserable together. I can also accept that there is only so much that I can do, and the rest is out of my control.

Boring blog post, I know. But, it's good to get it out, sometimes. Next time, I promise I'll post something less personal and more external.

I Love Charts

I do love charts, and get much amusement from the blog.

But, also, I appreciate the co-creators of this blog, especially their stances in regards to supporting women.

Jason, one of the guys who runs this blog, recently stated:

"It is my intention to keep this blog open-minded and post content that differs from my point of view as well as content whose views I espouse. However, I do draw the line at material that is clearly biased, ill-researched, or supports any sort of bigotry. Usually the material which falls into the latter category is of a misogynistic nature. Linguistic negativity towards women is a particularly overlooked transgression, though it is subtly present in countless social reflexes."

I love when people get it. I just love it.

Born Gay

There's a relatively new blog, started in January 2011, entitled "Born This Way!" The blog features pictures of people, when they were children, who self-identify as LGBTQ, and provides their narrative accompanying the picture - usually focusing on how/when they discovered that they were gay.

Most of the pictures are very cute.



And many of them seem rather stereotypical.


But even more interesting than the pictures, many of the essays accompanying the pictures are incredibly touching, like from this post, where Txus writes about her one-year-old self,

"I love this poor, sweet, queer girl -

because back then I didn't know

that life could be so hard for tender

and different people."

This blog is worth a look, especially for the stories of self-acceptance, and maybe for a laugh or two at some of the picture.

National Porn Sunday

It's not what you think.

Instead, it's a reaction against pornography by evangelical churches. Craig Gross, who produced a sermon on the subject, says that "48% of Christian families are dealing with the issue of pornography in their home," and that "the other 52% are just unaware."

Other studies, agreeing with Gross's stats, have said that the bible belt also corresponds with the largest pornography consumption.

Now, if you think this over-indulgence in porn, doesn't make sense, given evangelical's positions on all things sex related (same-sex couples, sex before marriage), you'd be right. In fact, Gross further goes on to point out the hypocrisy of many churches, stating, "instead of the church boycotting or picketing or legislating against the porn industry, if [those in] the church would just stop consuming porn, we'd put a big dent in the porn industry."

So, Mr. Gross, I probably would not agree with you on many points, but, at least, you're trying to make your religious viewpoints less hypocritical. Hold those good old Christian boys accountable.

More To Life?

This is a 'discussion' being offered at a university that I used to attend.

The implication is that maybe, between birth and life, there is something else.

But, I read it differently:

*Is there more to life than money?

*Is there more to life than consumerism?

*Is there more to life than heterosexual marriage (portrayed here by the signs for man and the woman usually seen on bathroom doors)?

*Is there more to life than reproduction?

The series of events that our lives are supposed to follow, according to this Christian organization, are certainly not the paths many peoples lives take and seem to only account for middle class values and norms.

So, I would answer yes. There is 'more to life:' but not in the post-death or pre-birth sense. Rather, there are other alternative life paths that we can take, despite what we are sometimes told.

Same-Sex Marriage Graph

Every once in a while, when same-sex marriage opponents are threatening repeal in my home state, or when anti-gay activists are claiming that somehow birds are dying because people can be openly gay and in the military, it is nice to look at charts like these and have it reenforced that progress is being made.

My Mother's Birthday Dinner: 2011 Edition

Last year I began the tradition of cooking an elaborate meal for my mother and her friends in celebration of her birthday. It is not an original idea, certainly, but one that she really enjoys. And while I plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, and oversee everything as head chef - I have a team of four sous-chefs/prep-people who help me pull it off.

This year's menu was as follows:

First Course

Spinach Salad with Avocado and Blueberries

Ingredients: spinach, avocado, blueberries, sunflower seeds, fresh lemon juice, dijon mustard, olive oil, salt and pepper.

Second Course

Skewered Sesame Shrimp

Ingredients: shrimp, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sesame seeds

Herbed Brown Rice and Quinoa Cakes

Ingredients: brown rice, quinoa, eggs, onion, spinach, garlic, parsley, cilantro, red pepper flakes, salt and pepper

Lemon-Garlic Sugar Snap Peas

Ingredients: sugar snap peas, garlic, lemon zest, olive oil, salt and pepper

Third Course

Roasted Lamb Chops with Lemongrass and Ginger

Ingredients: rack of lamb, lemongrass, mint, ginger, garlic, cilantro, olive oil, salt, lemon wedges

Maple-Vanilla Carrots

Ingredients: carrots, vanilla, maple syrup

Fourth Course

Frozen Ginger-Coconut Custard

Ingredients: heavy cream, coconut milk, ginger, egg yolk, sugar

Coconut Cream

Ingredients: whipping cream, sugar, coconut extract

Cinnamon-Sugar Pita Chips

Ingredients: pita, butter, cinnamon, sugar

I was excited with how it all came out: especially the dessert portion: I was pleased that how I imagined it would taste in my head was how it ended up being. The coconut cream and ginger-coconut custard formed a perfect bite.

This wasn't vegetarian by any means - and the blood on the lamb was pretty gross - but my mother seemed thrilled. And, now, after working at work all day Saturday, and working on this all day today, I am not ready to start a full work week. Exhaustion is gonna be my theme.

Slimmer, Yet Strong Enough To Stand The Test of Time

Thank goodness. That was quite the concern of mine. How do I be slim enough to meet the ideals of beauty, but not be so frail and weak as to waste away to nothing? It is a thin line - and I'm glad that it's being addressed.

Changing My Life

I don't utilize healthy coping skills as often as I should.

I tend to try to repress how I'm feeling. I tend to use food to make me feel better. I tend to break down and cry, but then not fix anything. I tend to use distraction. I tend to make jokes.

I will disassociate. I will feel numb and check out. I will get anxious. I will take on others' crises as my own.

Add to this, unhealthy thinking habits.

I demand perfection from myself. I assume that what others do and say are personal attacks or slights against me. I compare and despair: contrasting others' outsides to my insides, and always find myself lacking.

And combine the above with a job that exposes me to trauma on a daily basis.

I am witness to horrific cases of childhood sexual and physical abuse. And, perhaps even worse, I am witness to the failure of systems to protect these children.

All of that gives you a recipe for disaster and depression.

So, I'm thinking, it's time to make some changes. And, given that I can't control the trauma that I'm routinely exposed to, I've got to make healthy choices and monitor my thought patterns.

...Wish me luck.

This is Jim.

Every Woman's A Madonna - Every Woman's A Whore

"You can try to reduce me, but I'm so much more." That's what Cyndi Lauper believes.

And, Ludacris would agree that this is ideal. He and Usher collaborate to let us know that they want "a lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

So, we, as women, must simultaneously be a chaste mother and a sexually deviant nymphomaniac. It's a lot to live up to. But, also, this defines us by our relationships to others.

Women are the mother of boys, and the lovers of men.

But, what are we for ourselves - as ourselves? When is that narrative going to be told?

I repeat: This is why we still need feminism.

I can't talk about that.

It's weird having a job where the law has determined that I have confidentiality and privileged communication. You can't ever fully debrief to your partner, or your friends, or your family.

Well, except...

Okay. It's kind of weird. My sister and I both work for the same organization. And my mother volunteers there, as well. So, I can discuss work outside of work - but only to select people. It makes a bizarre dynamic. It's like some of the family is all in on this big secret. And, like any field, there is our own lingo and acronyms, shared coworkers and experiences.

And, honestly, I'm not sure if it is better or worse. Some days, I'm so glad that I can process my day with someone who I don't feel guilty about calling at 8:30 pm on a Tuesday. Other days, I'm so frustrated that I'm the one being called about work things when I'm not at work. This is already a job you live 24 hours a day (and that's even more true since I'm on call all weekend this weekend) - it's not like you need to spend extra time thinking and talking about it.

So, my point? I'm not sure there is one other than it being a tricky situation to navigate, sometimes. That makes this blog post incredibly uninteresting to anyone who isn't me. But, it's one of the things that is on my mind - and one of the things I'm allowed to talk about, at least.

Women's Lives Worth 2/3rds of Men's

That's what the author of the Price of Everything determined, based on the pay out to families who lost loved ones in the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Remind me again why we don't need feminism?

How do we know that we exist?

So, I'm not an expert on Israel/Palestine. And, to be honest, despite the years of news coverage, I still don't know whose "side" I'm on. And, I certainly haven't thought of a solution that isn't ripping someone from their home for hundreds, or thousands, of years.

But, for our purposes, it's okay that I'm not an expert on this, because the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict is only the backdrop for this blog post.

Now, you may have heard that Chile is the most recent country to acknowledge the existence of an independent Israel. The exact quote, if that matters to you, is that Chile recognizes a "free, independent, sovereign state, coexisting in peace with Israel."

Okay. So, no one is too surprised. There's been a trend among Latin American countries to agree that Palestine exists.

But wait...did you miss it? That is the part that I find so fascinating. The political divisions of nation-states has, of course, consequences and is of the utmost importance to those who live there, but the even bigger part, the part that becomes philosophical, is that agreement of existence.

For nations, international politics dictate that you only get to exist if everyone else agrees that you do.

But, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Do we only exist when others agree that we do? Without other people affirming that we are in fact here, alive, breathing, do we exist at all?

If everyone agreed that you weren't you - or that you weren't alive - would you still be you?

How much of what we are depends upon others accepting that as truth?

Israel often talks of existential threats to its existence. But, it is easy to understand that threat. We all know that nation-states are a concept, an idea that we all just believe in, and that once we stop believing in it, once we stop agreeing to its existence, it will disappear and cease to exist.

But, are our individual lives that fragile as well?




P.S. These questions are not rhetorical. I'd love to hear your answer, since I don't have one of my own yet.

Feminism

I've mentioned before that the non-profit that I work for is a feminist organization. We work with victims of domestic and sexual violence and stalking - and those victims are primarily women.

But of our ten full time, five part time, and four americorps staff members, I am the only lesbian. The only one. The rest of my coworkers have male partners who they love and care for. Many of them have male sons who they are raising. So, it is hardly as if we are an organization of man-haters.

But, there is an investment in maintaining oppressive stereotypes. I get that.

Regardless...I'm disappointed.

Is this really the way most men think about feminism?

Crying At Work

It's been happening, lately.

I tend to know when it's going to happen, but each time, I battle desperately to avoid the tears. I try my hardest to shove the emotions down, ignore it, do something else. But, I can't put it off forever. And, so, usually, in the middle of someone asking me how my day is going, I start to cry.

And I'm not a pretty crier. I tend to bawl. I create mucus. I have difficulty breathing. If I'm lucky, I can stifle the sobs. My face turns red. And, as I try to talk, it only gets worse.

The strange thing, however, about working for a feminist organization is that I'm not ostracized for this. Rather than being made to feel weak and incapable, I'm met with validation and understanding. And, I'm not even afraid that people are gossiping about my meltdowns behind my back.

If I had one hope for those who are employed, it would be to have the opportunity to cry at work without feeling judged. I think that is truly the measure of a workplace.

Return of the Lesbians

So, I've been in absentia for the holidays.

And my life has been alternatively amazingly wonderful (Shinobi and I are engaged) and pretty crappy (Shinobi's family has rained on our parade, and work has been quite emotionally taxing).

I think I've been hesitant to write because I feel that I somehow should only put out amazing pieces of prose. But, let's face it: at this point, no one is going to read this anyhow. So, the pressure is off and I can just put words out there.

Plus, Shinobi started blogging again. And it makes me feel like a slacker.

So, I'm back, I guess. And maybe I'll write interesting things, maybe I'll be boring, and maybe I'll just post recipes. But, whatever it is, I think I'm okay with that. (P.S. That's my New Year's resolution - be okay with life.)

Happy New Year.