Pictures

I hate when I see pictures of myself.

I feel like I can pretend that I'm somehow pretty/attractive/tolerable/not-nauseating until I see pictures of myself.

And then...reality sets in.

And I'm not pretty. I'm not attractive. I'm not tolerable. And nauseating? Well...I'm not sure if it's that bad, but well, it's not good.

I think I could have much better self-esteem if there were no cameras/mirrors.

Polyamorous/Open Relationships

My gut reaction is fear, anger, sadness, disgust.

But, I didn't always feel that way.

In fact, I was part of an "open" polyamorous relationship, before. We were together for over a year. There were three of us: two cisgendered bisexual women and a cisgendered straight man.

He occasionally had sex with other women, and we were allowed to also have sex with other women, too, if he approved.

Yeah. Allowed. Approved.

See, for him, polyamory, open relationships, bdsm, kink...it was all a cover for abuse: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual. And my time as part of that relationship was heart wrenching, to say the least. I still carry the scars.

I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to feel a compulsion to warn others away from a lifestyle that they feel will suit them best. But, I can't help but feel scared of what they might endure.

Just please be careful. Please learn about how healthy open or polyamorous relationships usually work. Please remember that you are still supposed to consent and that you are not supposed to live in fear.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Just a short plug. I promise.

I know that most months have lots of things going on in them - and April, in fact, has Child Abuse Prevention Month and Victims of Crime Week, as well as I'm sure, a few hundred other themes - but, if you get a chance, sometime during the month, to just speak out about sexual assault - of children or adults - it would be awesome.

Some small things you could do:

- Confront someone who says something victim-blaming ("she shouldn't have been wearing that," "well, she was drunk," "he could've stopped it if he fought back")

- Let people know that it is sexual assault awareness month

- Educate people on some of the stats: 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18

- Participate in your local events: Take Back the Night, Denim Day, Vagina Monologues, etc.

- Donate time or money to your local crisis center

- Support friends or family who have been assaulted by not judging them, providing them with options, and getting more information/education/support for yourself

I don't want to be a negative nelly. Or a debby downer. Or a pessimist. Or anything else that you can think of to describe generally having a crappy attitude about things.

But, recently, it's been tough at work. To see children disclose sexual abuse and then have nothing happen to their perpetrators. I've been thinking about it, recently, that at one point in my life I'm sure I must've thought that most people who abuse children get caught and put in jail - especially if it was sexual abuse. And, then, I certainly must've thought that especially if the children told someone that the abuse would end and the abuser would be punished. But, in the real world, the norm is for nothing to happen. And every step in the process makes it more likely that something will happen where there will never be a day spent in jail.

It's hard to meet new families, and to have this knowledge in my mind. And, all I'm supposed to do is provide advocacy, information, education, referrals, and, most importantly, support. So, it's not like it's my failures that mean that this family will most likely never experience 'justice,' but I still feel somehow responsible because I know. I know what happened. I know who the perpetrators are, usually, where they live, maybe even where they work. But, the case falls through - for whatever reason - and these perps are allowed to continue assaulting children.

I know I've blogged about this before, but, it is still a struggle for me. So, there you go.

Tumblr + Porn + Jiz Lee

I've been spending a lot of time over at tumblr. ( deviantfemme.tumblr.com )

It's addictive, especially considering the whole queer/femme porn aspect that I've been focusing on. It reminds me, a little bit, back when I discovered literotica and I fell in love with sexual deviancy for the first time.

I went through a bit more of a withdrawn, less sexual phase, especially after I began working in the violence against women field. And, it was even worse when I first started working with child victims of sexual assault. I think I sometimes was bringing work home (well, I still do), and unable to feel sexual when stressed and/or thinking about the horror stories I heard that day. But, somehow, going back to porn, and especially, this time, discovering feminist and queer porn, has really helped with my sex drive.

(Although, truthfully, it might of started recovering ever since shinobi decided to get a "packer" and we began playing with gender roles and such more. There is something that really turns me on about her walking around with a penis in her pants. Consequently - and selfishly - I really feel 100% supportive of her exploring alternative gender identities.)

And...I have a new crush. Their name is Jiz Lee. Jiz is a genderqueer porn star. And I can't fucking get enough of them. Shinobi is a little bit sick of my gushing and my references. (And, actually, I had a dream the other night that I met Jiz - and it wasn't like I wanted to have sex with them, I just really, really wanted them to like me and we could hang out and be friends. Silly, hunh?) Without Shinobi even being told about my dream, today she asked if Jiz is the third person in our relationship.

...But, I can't help it! Jiz is oh.my.god.hot.

It's a little obsessive, but I just never even knew such a wonderful, freaking hot, real person did porn. Real orgasms (as far as I can tell - or really, really good fake ones). Real people (including not just gender variant individuals but also all types of bodies including fat positive, tattooed, pierced, etc.). And Jiz just has this "fuck yeah, bitches" face - like they love everything that is going on, that they are super into what is happening, and that they just absolutely could not be more pleased that, for example, some girl is sucking their strap-on cock. It makes me swoon.

And, it helps to lessen my porn guilt. (You know, the whole, many porn stars are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and that they are now in a fairly abusive/exploitative industry.)

Anyhow, I put a link to Jiz's blog over on the side, if you want to take a look and/or support. They do queer porn, however, so expect it to be pornographic and expect it to be hot and expect it to be not "men" and "women" in any traditional sense.

Religious Right vs. Secular Right

Bathrooms For Everyone!

So, shinobi and I went to Provincetown for a little get-away / birthday celebration. It was nice, if cold.

On our way out of town, though, we stopped at the Cape Cod National Seashore center place thing (I said, so eloquently). And, it was kind of cool, with maps and such, and pretty much what you might expect from a little educational stop, nothing particularly fascinating.

But, I was totally fascinated by the bathrooms. Enough so, that shinobi and I proceeded to have a good fifteen or twenty minute conversation on the subject.

Now, they weren't fancy or futuristic, but what they had was one of these signs:

They were single rooms. They had a self-flushing toilet and a sensor-enabled sink. They had those hand blow driers. So, kind of modern, yes.

But, they also had a urinal. And a diaper changing station. And plenty of room to operate a wheelchair inside of it. With everything at an accessible height and bars to lift yourself up or down, as needed.

So, you put all of this together, and...

This bathroom did not require a declaration!

You didn't have to identify as male or female, with children or without, abled or disabled. You just went into the bathroom, did your stuff, and left. Without judgements, without anything. It was a simple experience - like it should be.

So, there's your bathroom update on Cape Cod. Aren't you glad to know?

I think I'm getting the hang of these dishes...

Tumblr

So, because I always do more things than I have time for, I've also started a tumblr account.

It's a cross-section of sexual deviancy and femme culture. You can follow me, if you'd like, at deviantfemme.tumblr.com.

It is most certainly NSFW.

A Quarter Century of Me

So, I'm 25. Today.

Which makes it my birthday.

What do I want?

Well...some of this will be nice.

But, what do I really want?

What am I striving for this year? What are my life's plans, goals, dreams?

...

...

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe next year, I should wish for some decisiveness.