I don't want to be a negative nelly. Or a debby downer. Or a pessimist. Or anything else that you can think of to describe generally having a crappy attitude about things.

But, recently, it's been tough at work. To see children disclose sexual abuse and then have nothing happen to their perpetrators. I've been thinking about it, recently, that at one point in my life I'm sure I must've thought that most people who abuse children get caught and put in jail - especially if it was sexual abuse. And, then, I certainly must've thought that especially if the children told someone that the abuse would end and the abuser would be punished. But, in the real world, the norm is for nothing to happen. And every step in the process makes it more likely that something will happen where there will never be a day spent in jail.

It's hard to meet new families, and to have this knowledge in my mind. And, all I'm supposed to do is provide advocacy, information, education, referrals, and, most importantly, support. So, it's not like it's my failures that mean that this family will most likely never experience 'justice,' but I still feel somehow responsible because I know. I know what happened. I know who the perpetrators are, usually, where they live, maybe even where they work. But, the case falls through - for whatever reason - and these perps are allowed to continue assaulting children.

I know I've blogged about this before, but, it is still a struggle for me. So, there you go.

Changing My Life

I don't utilize healthy coping skills as often as I should.

I tend to try to repress how I'm feeling. I tend to use food to make me feel better. I tend to break down and cry, but then not fix anything. I tend to use distraction. I tend to make jokes.

I will disassociate. I will feel numb and check out. I will get anxious. I will take on others' crises as my own.

Add to this, unhealthy thinking habits.

I demand perfection from myself. I assume that what others do and say are personal attacks or slights against me. I compare and despair: contrasting others' outsides to my insides, and always find myself lacking.

And combine the above with a job that exposes me to trauma on a daily basis.

I am witness to horrific cases of childhood sexual and physical abuse. And, perhaps even worse, I am witness to the failure of systems to protect these children.

All of that gives you a recipe for disaster and depression.

So, I'm thinking, it's time to make some changes. And, given that I can't control the trauma that I'm routinely exposed to, I've got to make healthy choices and monitor my thought patterns.

...Wish me luck.

Three Year Olds "Making Up" Sexual Assaults

Yeah, that's what I have to listen to when I attend Case Review once a month.

Let me give you some context. Case Review brings together county attorneys, police detectives, child protective workers, victim/witness advocates, forensic interviewers, licensed mental health counselors, and forensic pediatricians. Oh, yeah, and me. This team discusses the ongoing juvenile sexual assault cases for the region. Updates are given, the team considers various aspects of the cases, and, ideally, it is ensured that the victims and their families are given as much support as possible.

Generally, this is a positive thing.

The problems arise every month, however, typically out of the mouths of police officers (but, occasionally from child protective workers or county attorneys). Well, they are problems to me, at least, but seem not to be problems to most of the other members of the team.

See, a child discloses first to someone - a parent, a teacher, a counselor. Then, they're interviewed by a forensic interviewer. If this second disclosure occurs, it tends to be taken seriously and some good follow-up work is done. Sometimes, however, during the follow-up work, the police will interview the alleged perpetrator. And, occasionally, for whatever reason, the alleged perp. will give off a "not a pedophile" vibe and/or won't 'crack' under interrogation. If this occurs, the police will often begin to question the integrity of the victim and/or the victim's parents.

In yesterday's case, this means stating that a three year old who is stating that she was digitally sodomized by her father, was probably lying.

Now, I come at cases from a different viewpoint. I believe victims. Period. That is what I am paid for. However, I don't just believe victims because I am told I am supposed to. I believe them because I sit with them and listen to them cry "Why did this happen to us? Is my child ever going to be okay again?". I am asked their questions "How could he do that to my baby? Why didn't I know sooner?" I hear their anger "He betrayed my trust. He hurt my child. This was not supposed to happen." I know in my soul that this is not a matter of a family on a vendetta or a child with an active imagination. All the other signs are there; all the symptoms. The child awakes in the middle of the night screaming for her father to get off of her. This is not fiction: this is reality.

But I am not the police. If that alleged perp. seems credible, if that child doesn't seem like exactly the 'best' victim you could find, the case gets closed. The alleged perp. can continue to find other children to harm. The girl can know that her speaking out results in nothing. The family can feel let down by the system and jaded. And, most likely, visitation will have to continue. The sexual abuse will continue. She was a liar when she was three, so when she tells again at six, at eight, at fourteen...there is less of a chance she will be believed. The courts will tell her mother to stop being so vindictive - that there was no evidence that her daughter was sexually abused - why would she try to keep a child away from her father.

And then, forty years from now, maybe she'll join a different support group I co-facilitate. Not the one for children who have been sexually abused. The one for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The one where their pain stems more from being not heard, from being quieted, from being ignored, than from the sexual violence perpetrated against them. The one where we'll bring in pumpkins at the end of the month to carve, in an attempt to give them back part of their childhood.

It breaks my heart that we err on the side of perps. It breaks my heart that I know of sexual abuse being perpetrated - probably right at this moment - and I can do nothing about it. That is why this job burns people up. We get to see this first hand, case after case. I get to meet them when they are three, and again, each year after that.

They're not making it up. Please believe me that they aren't. This is my prayer to a god who doesn't exist.

The Danger of Not Questioning Why

As an occupation, I am a child advocate. My primary role is to provide support, information, and referrals to childhood victims of sexual abuse and their non-offending caregivers. One of the questions I am asked most frequently by my clients is "why?"

Why? Why did they choose me and my family? Why does he do that? Why didn't I notice? Why didn't she tell me sooner?

There are many painful questions that they have. Unfortunately, most of them will never be answered satisfactorily.

But, what interests me is that the questioning often comes after the disclosure, not before. Now, I do not want this to be construed as victim-blaming, but I am often astonished that there are all these 'red flag' behaviors concerning an individual that they know, but no one, at the time, prior to the assaults, questions why someone would be spending so much time with their child, buying them elaborate gifts, offering free babysitting, etc.

I understand, obviously, that I know the warning signs, while many others have never been educated in them, but even if you had no knowledge around childhood sexual abuse, if you did have practice with analyzing the events of your life and critically considering the motivations and thoughts of others, you might have been led to question why.

It is not the families faults for not questioning. They should be able to live in a world where one must not be on guard for potential trust violations by close friends and family members.

However, this does reconfirm my belief that teaching those analytical skills applies to so many areas of life, and that those who were never taught how to think critically are at a disadvantage. So, I feel it is my job not only to educate families as to what signs to watch out for, but how to think about their lives and the people in them in an even more mindful way.